The opening line of my first book, Terror in Taffeta, reads as follows:
“The sea-foam green bridesmaids’ dresses had been a mistake. Not for the obvious reason—that sea-foam green bridesmaids’ dresses are almost always a mistake—but because they added a sickly tinge to Nicole Abernathy’s three very hungover bridesmaids.”
It’s no surprise that when I sat down to write about a murder that takes place at a wedding, the first image that came to mind was of a bridesmaid dress. Because let’s face it, they can be awful. I’m still not over my first. I was a flat-chested pre-teen with braces and a bad haircut, and I had to wear a powder-blue polyester dress that only exacerbated the situation.
Thank God the pictures are tucked away in a box somewhere, because, seriously, no one needs to see that. But not everyone is so lucky. Thanks to the internet, a lot of bad bridesmaids’ dresses are just a Pinterest-search away.
My favorites are from the Seventies, because those ladies weren’t afraid of a bold print and they really knew how to accessorize. Take these gals, for example, with their calico dresses topped off with white straw hats:
For this winter wedding, the bride thoughtfully included muffs to keep her bridesmaids’ hands warm, hats made out of the extra craft supplies she had lying around the house, and stuffed animals to round out the photo shoot.
There’s so much going on here with these floral dresses, floppy hats, oversized flowers, and multi-hued gloves, I can’t help but be reminded of an Everything Bagel:
I notice the bride’s eyes are closed in this picture — and I can’t say I blame her.
Dangly flower balls are the perfect complement to Easter-hued Wiccan robes:
And for the fashion-forward bridal party, let’s not forget bridesmaids’ vests!
(The adorable little flower girl is smiling because she’s the only one who didn’t have to wear a vest.)
Okay, readers, it’s your turn! How have you faired in the wedding-attire department? Any tragic bridesmaid dresses in your past?
These are a riot!! Love it.
I have both victimized and been a victim of bad bridesmaid dresses, although I think I fared worse than the bridesmaids I (accidentally) forced into shiny teal when I was compelled to wear a long knit navy gown with matching over-the-elbow gloves and a shawl. We kept saying that it was part of our required 37 pieces of flair a la Office Space!
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Shiny teal! My prom dress was shiny teal. We should swap pictures sometime. 🙂 But elbow gloves and shawls — wow! That *is* some flair!
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Yes to a picture swap! I vote we bring them to Malice–or wear them. 🙂 Great post!!
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I’d like to say my bridesmaids didn’t hate me, but I’m afraid they might have.
I only wore two bridesmaid dresses and both times I was able to choose the dress – one black, one chocolate brown.
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Ooooh, nice! Black and chocolate brown are both regret-proof choices!
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OMG, these pictures are hilarious! :-). I still remember the apricot-colored dresses five of us made for ourselves from the same pattern. Not one of them came out the same! Huh? And each of us tolerated a giant bow of the same fabric on our heads. Not one of us looked good. What we do for our girlfriends!!
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YES. It’s all about friendship. 🙂 But I’m so glad that head bows are less common now…
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I love this image! I wish WordPress would let us post pictures in the comments because I REALLY want to see your giant head bows!
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Kate, I love it! You should wear that head bow to Malice with your boa! (At least the bow won’t shed)!
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Don’t mind me. I’m just mopping up after the spittake caused by Marla’s commentary on the photos…
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Yay! I made you do a spit take!!! My day is complete. 🙂
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I’m very, very lucky. I get to rent a tux, and there isn’t much that can be too bad with tuxes. And since these women have the same likely hood of rewearing their dresses as I do of wearing a tux in normal life, then I’m definitely coming out ahead.
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Yes! Guys get to sit back and look all dapper while we have to shell out tons of money for a dress that we will almost certainly never wear again. You are lucky!
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What, no powder blue tux or gold lame cummerbund. So not fair.
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No dresses that were really tragic, but let’s face it, none of them could be altered to be worn again — even the ones from my wedding (strapless cranberry watered silk with a bolero jacket — now I’m embarrassed)! One of my sister’s found a bridesmaids’ dress that looked just like the dress Audrey Hepburn wears in the scene at the end of My Fair Lady when she’s at Henry Higgin’s mother’s house — her dress is a beautiful shade of pink. Unfortunately, my sister chose bright turquoise…
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Oooooh, bright turquoise! That’s a lot of look! 🙂 Did it include the hat and the boa?
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I should include my aunt’s wedding pics. She got married in black b/c it was a time of civil rights and afros. And her sisters all wore bright pink.
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Oooooh, I want to see!!
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Ha, Marla, LOVE this! I thought I’d slow-stepped down the aisle in my share of unfortunate bridesmaid’s fashions, but I can honestly say I never had to wear a fuzzy muff instead of carrying a bouquet! (BTW, I believe the Partridge Family had matching outfits featuring those vests)!
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Slow-stepping — ha ha! That’s a great word for it! Someday I want to see pics!
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These photos are hilarious! I was a bridesmaid twice. The first dress was a hideous 1980s lavender number. But the second was a made-to-order simple, beautiful dress in a brownish-gold satin. I had the sleeves removed and have actually worn it to events as a dressy dress because it’s mid-calf, not floor length,
I only had a maid of honor when I got married and I just told her, buy a dress you like and will get some use out of. Which is exactly what she did.
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My favorite bridesmaid dress was lavender! Or perhaps periwinkle. But you win the prize if you actually were able to re-wear!
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I recognize the pattern from the green dress. I had to wear that in a wedding. I think it was blue. Maybe a calico. Some small print. It was horrid. And then there was the peach colored, spaghetti-strap kerchief-skirt with a full length underskirt and little jacket. Peach is not my color. I’m pretty sure my sister did that on purpose.
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Oh, my!! I can just picture them! (And I’m sorry.) 🙂
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I’ve always been the bride, not a bridesmaid. First wedding no bridesmaids. Second one, I let the bridesmaid pick out her dress.
Although, if you want to see some fun ones, check out the movie “27 dresses”. Olive green? Southern belle in canary yellow? 60s hot pink mini? You get the drift!
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You are very kind to let your bridesmaid pick the dress! The closest I ever came was my best friend, who gave us all the same fabric and let us make (or have made) whatever dress we wanted. Mine was a flowy, bias-cut dress. One went for a tailored strapless dress with a jacket. Every one of us had wildly different styles. And we were all super relieved we didn’t have to wear the styles the other ones had chosen!
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I loved both of the bridesmaid dresses
I wore. The first was powder pink satin with a Dorothy Hamill (sweetheart) neckline–just like my old skating costumes but a lot longer. For the other I was the only bridesmaid. I actually wore a Laura Ashley Wedding floral tea length that belonged to the bride. She ended up gifting it to me. Only problem was that my hair was done with a crazy braid over the top of my head, Sound of Music style
(also Princess Leia) Yodel-ay-ee-OH!
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Those Laura Ashley dresses were *everywhere* for a while! I’m so curious: was the braid by command of the bride, or did it just kind of … happen?
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Every one of these pictures is laugh out loud funny, so I can only imagine how many more there must have been to choose from. I think my fave is the coy, over-the-shoulder poses from the prairie chicks with the harvest gold floral bouquets, but the pastel Wiccan priestesses are a close second. Thanks for the giggles!!
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Yay! I’m glad you share my affinity for unfortunate bridal parties. I hope your bridesmaid horror story doesn’t involve a certain floral print off-the-shoulder number — but you looked adorable in it! ❤
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I think that floral number holds it’s own, style-wise, even after all these years (in pix, not to actually wear, of course!) And I hope you didn’t hate a certain periwinkle dress that actually looked super cute on you!
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