Lisa Q. Mathews

Mystery Author Kristee: Writer of Worlds

We haven’t heard from Lisa since Barbenheimer—and it’s her day to post here at Chicks on the Case. But someone calling herself Mystery Author Kristee offered to step in for her. As you can imagine, we were in quite a bind, so what could we do? Take it away, uh…Kristee…

MYSTERY AUTHOR KRISTEE: WRITER OF WORLDS

First, just to clarify: I may be a doll, but I’m in no way related to the one currently vomiting pink across movie screens worldwide. And no, I can’t tell you where Lisa is right now. But where she should be is butt in chair, writing. With me, Mystery Author Kristee, as her muse. (That’s me on the left, below.)

I tried to talk Lisa out of going to that movie. Instead she ignored me and started pulling pink clothes from her closet. Entirely unsuitable for mystery authors, even those who write humorous cozies.

I may not be a fabulous fashion doll, but I have the perfect bullet wardrobe: 3 tees (cat, conference, or bookishly-sloganed), author photo blouse, pilled wool sweater, oversized sweats, comfy PJs, and a dressy caftan for Zoom calls. Easy-peasy—throw them in the wash to remove stubborn wine or blood stains!

Like the Pink One, I have tons of friends, all with their own super cool accessories. I even have a sort-of boyfriend named Chandler. He drinks and sleeps a lot.

Cozy Mystery Kristee wears forgiving-waistband jeans and never carries a working cellphone. She’s an awesome cook with an amazing selection of knives and cleavers who grows her own herbs in an awesome poison garden. She needlepoints and runs a cat/dog rescue and a Victorian B&B (which she sometimes shares with Paranormal Kristee, who hangs around the place in a gauzy white gown). Cozy Mystery Kristee’s bestie is Traditional Mystery Kristee. Even though the two of them have a lot in common, they love to argue about it.

You won’t see Travel Mystery Kristee much, but she crashes sometimes with her Always-Away suitcase at Cozy Mystery Kristee’s house. Historical Mystery Kristee comes and goes, too. She has to keep moving fast so the next decade doesn’t come up and bump her out of category for awards season.

PI Kristee’s wardrobe is designed to blend into seedy surroundings and always includes a ball cap. Also, a fingerprint dusting kit, a Glock 19, and an unmarked van packed with surveillance equipment. There’s a Keurig machine to keep PI Chandler awake and hangover-free.

Suspense Kristee lives in the Pacific Northwest for the moody vibe. It’s also a serial killer mecca (sorry, Long Island). Occasionally unreliable, Suspense Kristee has her very own train set. She lives in a Remote Woodsy Cabin, with Suspense Chandler lurking outside. Both dress in flannel and athletic-wear, and Chandler comes with a hatchet. Romantic Suspense Chandler is more of a people person, often packaged in popular styles like Billionaire, Cowboy, Hockey Player, International Spy, and Fantasy Chandler.

Thriller Kristee is usually running for her life, or to save the world somewhere. She has tattoos, is trained in MMA, and owns all kinds of high-tech gadgets, along with a Swiss Army knife, parachute, and motorcycle. Thriller Kristee is also known for her confusing clock collection.

Noir Kristee has an office with a broken window and a bottle of Scotch in her bottom left (and right) desk drawers. Wearing a black leather jacket and Doc Martens, she meets with desperate clients who look a lot like the Pink One in their slinky dresses and vintage coats with hat, gloves, and handbag. Noir Chandler haunts the mean streets of Mystery Kristee Land and mopes at the bar 24/7 because he has no hope and Noir Kristee is not that into him. Things never end well.

Finally, there’s Mystery Kristee’s little sister, Drew. She comes with a cellphone and old-school camera, a VR headset, laptop, Kindle, ear buds, and someone else’s Netflix account password. Oh, and sometimes a dragon. Unlike us Mystery Kristees, her eyes actually roll. She doesn’t talk much, but she might perk up for a good true crime story.

Note: All villains sold separately, in brown paper wrapping with cut-out-newspaper-letter font to keep readers guessing. And remember, anyone can be a victim.

If you already have the entire Mystery Author Kristee collection, don’t worry: All-new Kristee formats are sure to hit the shelves soon. And writers, don’t forget: If your manuscript gets boring, send in one of the Chandlers with a big surprise—it’ll be the bomb!

Uh-oh, gotta go. I’m hearing weird sounds from the basement. Dippity-Do tape just doesn’t hold as well as electrical. But speaking of bombs, Lisa might show up to comment today—IF she takes me to a nice, dark, non-pink movie.

Readers, who’s your favorite Mystery Kristee? Any ideas for bangin’ new accessories?  (**Also: Many thanks to Red River Theaters in Concord, NH, for creating the fashion doll-themed lobby displays!**)

31 thoughts on “Mystery Author Kristee: Writer of Worlds”

  4. I tip my fedora to Noir Kristee. And I would like to suggest she be accompanied by a old, judgmental cat named Fletcher, who may be able to communicate with Paranormal Kristee.

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  5. I was never into dolls, but did (and still) have a fabulous collection of Breyer horses I played with. So I’m going with Cozy BH, who loves to hang out with Noir BH, since she brews the good stuff out of all those oats down in her basement.

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  8. Mark, I am very carefully (and quickly) typing here at my desk right now. I put Mystery Kristee in the cupboard behind me but I can feel her staring at me through it.

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  14. Hilarious and awesome, Lisa!! I’ll collect them all, natch, but will start with Suspense Kristee because all of the PNW vibes (and, of course, we’ll have matching flannels).

    Maybe there’s room for a Hardboiled Kristee who lives on a dilapidated houseboat–or just sleeps in her clothes in the office.

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    1. Kathy, Suspense Kristee is super excited about the Kathee and Me flannel clothing line. (You don’t mind changing the spelling of your name, right?) And Hardboiled Mysrery Kristee is already on her way. to your house. Just until she gets the houseboat deal floating.(That’s okay too, right?)

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  15. Love this post–and the pictures are perfection too!

    And I’m intrigued by Drew getting a dragon. That seems like it will come in quite handy for interviews that require a little extra convincing…

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    1. Yes, I hear there will be an entire spin-off series with dragons coming soon for each Mystery Kristee. No one knows how that got approved…

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  17. Dear Lisa,
    I do believe your imagination has gone wild. These Kristees are stunningly funny and deeply detailed. As a lover of historical mysteries, I’ll go with Historical Mystery Kristee. She’d prefer businesslike attire from the turn of the century. Oh… and my favorite detail would be that she has various hatpin weapons and the skills to use them when needed.

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  18. Pamela, you can be chief wardrobe consultant for Historical Mystery Kristee! As a kid, my parents took me to the movie Thoroughly Modern Millie, the plot of which went entirely over my head. I may never recover from seeing that sneaky woman with the hairpin/dart deal, though. I literally had nightmares, and I didn’t get to go to the movies for a few more years, lol.

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