Kathleen Valenti

The Creeps

As mystery readers and writers, our minds often turn to things that go bump in the night. However, I’d like to talk about a terror much more immediate and acute: things that creep in the day and night.

I’m, of course, talking about spiders.

We all have our phobias or the lesser, non-clinical version, phobiettes (yes, I made that up).

Conventional wisdom places public speaking at the top of the chart for our collective greatest fear hits. Yet a bit of “research” (using that term oh so lightly) reveals that public oration snags the number two spot, sandwiched between snakes and heights.

I’m a lifelong public speaking avoider. In college, I took drama as the alternate to the public speaking class required of my major, which resulted not only in appearances in Greek tragedies such as Euripides, but also an intense fear of incorrectly pronouncing Greek words. But this is nothing–NOthing– compared to my long-held fear of those eight-legged creatures.

Okay, fine. Spiders eat pesky bugs and are good for the environment. Blah, blah, blah. But, frankly, they terrify me.

And I’m not just afraid of the spiders big enough to cast shadows or (shudder) make noise as their wee little spider feet walk creep across the floor. Even tiny arachnids strike fear into my heart. As my dear mother so aptly put it, they’re the sneaky ones.

It seems my fear of creepy crawlies puts me in good company.

Spiders and insects are in fifth place on the phobia chart, between enclosed spaces and injections. Plus, arachnophobia is four times more prevalent among women than men. Thematically, creepers crowd the list of fears, with mice and frogs(???) joining this Noah’s Ark of phobias.

Funny thing is, I couldn’t care less about non-spider critters, including that spotlight-hogger, the slithering snake. I see many snakes while running and although this is rattlesnake country, I don’t feel anything other than a vague desire to avoid stepping on one. Foolish? Perhaps. But there it is.

As it turns out, there’s a whole constellation of phobias. In addition to ye olde fear of flying, germs, and thunder, there’s also fear of:

Clowns (I blame Stephen King)

Clusters of holes

Kayaks

Beards (not bears, as I first read it)

Telephone calls (same, girl, same)

These phobias seem to be born of one part experience and one part biology (fear of potentially dangerous animals once kept us alive—and I say still does). I may look a bit irrational running away from a spider that can be measured in centimeters. But I say you can’t be too careful.

Lately, I’ve been gripped by a new fear: accidentally choosing the wrong emoji to emote in response to someone’s Facebook post. As someone who has accidentally haha-ed instead of cried, I think this fear is well-founded.

Friends, are you afraid of spiders, snakes, frogs, or another creeper? And what shall we call my nascent Facebook fear? Emojiphobia? Something else? I’d love to know.

50 thoughts on “The Creeps”

  1. I wouldn’t say I am afraid of spiders. But they belong outside. I was bitten by one near my eye when I was a kid at camp. I had to spend the day in the nurses office with witch hazel compress on my eye until I could open it. I hated camp……..

    My big fear is water. I guess I could swim to save my life, but I need a pool wall to aim for. If it is deeper than a hot tub I really want no part of it. The sound of water going over my ears terrifies me. I will even back into the shower to wash my hair. My excuse is that my mom was caught in the undertow at the ocean when she was pregnant with me. Good enough reason for me to avoid the same issue, don’t you think?

    Carol

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    3. I absolutely agree, Carol! That is terrifying. Your fear is well-founded!

      I had a friend who was telling me about some kind of spa treatment thingie that involved having water drip over your eyes for a period of time. I would nope right out of there1

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  2. My biggest fear is of heights. When I ascend more than 20 feet on a ladder, I get weak in the knees. Skyscraper observation decks? I’ll step outside but stay glued to the wall.

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    2. J.C., I am so with you. I’ve almost passed out at heights. No joke. When we were house hunting in L.A. we were taking to a couple of houses in the hills on stilts. I wasn’t warned once, went to glance out the window, and almost fainted. My husband grabbed me. I cannot go NEAR those floor to ceiling windows. I’m convinced some bully designed them to taunt us acrophobiacs.

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  3. J.C., I spent a lot of my childhood climbing as high as I could in every tree I could find. But I had a panic attack driving over the Verrazano Narrows bridge as a young adult and I’ve been terrified of height every since. I’m fine with spiders and snakes, unless the latter are rattling.

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    1. Kaye, I got stuck on the Verrazano once with my kids in the back seat (car trouble). We were sitting ducks (the bridge shook from the crazy moving traffic) so we all got out and stood at the side til AAA showed up. I still love the beautiful bridge–but the zooming traffic I won’t ever forget.

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      1. Yes, especially overpasses! I hold the steering wheel as tight as I can, stare straight ahead so my car won’t go over the rail, and chant an expletive until I’m on terra firma again.

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        1. OMG, Kaye, we’re the same person. There’s a flyover ramp out here from the 134 to the 2 and every time I’m on it, I swear I have to fight the urge to pass out!

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  5. I must be weird – none of those things scare me. Okay, yes, things like millipedes and centipedes creep me out (too many legs!), but scared? Not sure.

    I suppose I used to be more afraid of spiders. Now, we have a truce. As long as they stay in their place (aka the dark places in the basement), things are cool. But as I say if I see them in the kitchen, they have violated their rental agreement and must go.

    This is good because since the Cottage is a) in the woods and b) near the Loyalhanna Creek there are a lot more spiders to deal with.

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  6. Kathy, have you seen photos of the “new” Joro spider working its way north up the East Coast? It FLIES and has 4″ legs and is brilliantly turquoise and yellow and…bonus: it’s venomous. (Don’t worry, the adult Joros are too heavy to fly, so these are just adorable babies.) I hate any kind of turbulence on a flight but mostly I have the garden-variety snake phobia. I hate the way they move, their ugly, open jaws and fangs, the creepy ones that squeeze and swallow people, Cleopatra’s asps, the enormous one on the Joni Mitchell cover, the one a friend’s sister had in her Brooklyn apt that had free rein of the house so I locked myself in the bathroom… I wrote an escaped python into Permanently Booked. Fun in print, but after doing the research on real-life illegal snakes in FL, color me still terrified.

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    1. No, I have not heard of this new spider, and now I’m seriously contemplating staying inside for…ever? SHEESSHHHHH. Talk about the stuff of nightmares!

      Snake research! My son was (is) a big snake fun. He would’ve loved joining you!

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  7. We are in the business of providing thrills and chills, aren’t we, Kathleen?

    I’m a biologist, so I’m not afraid of living things, although I do recognize the need to be careful around some of them.

    However, I did write a book called Venom! that I do not recommend for arachnophobes. You will never sleep again if you read it…

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  8. I’m with you about spiders, girl–eeeeek! But I don’t like killing them, so I’ll go out of my way to avoid a area where I know one is lurking (or ask Robin to kindly remove it to the outdoors, if she’s home).

    I’m also afraid of being in the pitch black dark, where there’s no light whatsoever. I guess it’s a form of claustrophobia, but I become truly panicked if there isn’t some kind of light creeping into the room. (Now you know why I always crack the curtains in our convention hotel rooms, Ellen and Lisa.)

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    1. Interesting about fear of darkness being a cousin to fear of small spaces, Leslie! I’ll bet you’re right. I, too, like a light source in a hotel, mostly because I’m worried I’ll become disoriented, which may invite sleepwalking!

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  9. I’m trying to figure out why someone would be afraid of kayaks. Then again, I love all things nautical/water related, so maybe my bias is coming through.

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        1. On the Caribbean cruise I went on 18 months ago, I went on a kayaking excursion. They were two person kayaks, so I wound up with a stranger who didn’t know how to steer. And he kept blaming me that we were aiming off across country, or in this case out to sea, instead of following the shore. We did fine once we got on the river since there were banks.

          Would I go out on the ocean again? Yes. But with someone who knew what they were doing.

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          2. More like I didn’t have a choice. Couldn’t switch partners, and would have had to jump into the ocean to get back to shore.

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  11. I co-exist with spiders. I won’t kill them ever since I did that to one in our house and a million tiny babies shot out. I will never EVER unsee that. Plus, they’re good for the eco system. Do not get me started on roaches, however. Between NOLA and NY, I’ve had enough of those for a lifetime. When I was in college, first week in my new apartment I was woken up in the middle of the night by papers rustling. I thought we had an intruder. I snapped on the light and saw a giant roach wandering around my desk. I screamed and swatted him into the bottom desk draw, which I didn’t open again until the week I graduated.

    To be honest, I kind of feel guilty about that.

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  12. Kathy, I can kill bugs, including spiders. But, I’m deathly afraid of mice! Saw one in a dishwasher once and thought I might have to move out!

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