Sure, everyone is super “busy” these days. With the 24/7 demands of work, family, intrusive ads, creeping new technologies, and the current state of the world, most people have their heads down, just trying to survive. Maybe the good ol’ days were in many ways awful, but are there a few things we should save from the past?
When I started this post, I didn’t intend to go straight down the rabbit hole learning about Natalie Portman’s fabulous family lifestyle in Paris or the rise of etiquette queen Emily Post (née Price), who entered this world in 1872 and departed 1960. I meant to pen a brief rant on how rude we all are now.
It all started when I clicked a “news” article link on my Wonderwall of Doom (aka that disturbing collage of clickbait that pops up if my right pinky inadvertently hits the innocuous-looking weather icon on my bottom toolbar). Amidst all the gloom, doom, and general luridness, I clicked on “Natalie Portman explains why she prefers living in Paris instead of Los Angeles.” (People Magazine, May 14. And yes, I am supposed to be revising my manuscript right now. It’s due to my publisher on Wednesday. Thanks ever so much for the reminder.)
Anyway, this quote from Natalie struck me:
“All the kids that come to my house are, like, ‘Bonjour Madame,’ and give me the bise (cheek-to-cheek kiss). And before they leave, they are, like, ‘Thank you for having me,” and if I’m not nearby, they’ll come and find me to say it.”
First, let me say that I lived (very briefly) in France as a teenager, and I don’t remember anyone other than the members of my host family being especially polite. Especially in Paris. Are the French besting us now on the etiquette front?
Oh, it’s très possible. I remember being grilled in the art of greeting and thanking one’s hostess from the time I left the playpen. It was just what one did. Today, even being invited into anyone’s home is a Very Big Deal. People’s homes are their increasingly necessary safe caves. We ventured out after Covid, and now we’ve scurried back into hibernation, communicating via our computers, phones, and Netflix. And awesome blogs, of course. (Hi, Everyone! *waving*)
This past weekend, my family went to Mother’s Day brunch in a lovely, informal café. Every baby, child and teen in the place was engrossed in their iPads and phones. Except at one table a few feet away, where a multi-generational group celebrated their mom, aunt, and Grandma. Not an electronic device in sight. I’m not sure which language they spoke, but it was clear that Grandma was very angry with the 10-ish boy. She scolded him from here to next week. He nodded and apparently said he was sorry, because he went over and gave her hug. Outside on the sidewalk later, they walked arm and arm, and the grandma smiled and smoothed his hair. What struck me most was that this family had resolved some minor miscommunication IRL (in real life). A lot of us don’t have that chance today. People throw words at each other through the (seeming) safety of their electronic devices. They’re never sorry, and they don’t care whether their words are hurtful or misconstrued. They can’t see the other person’s reaction and adjust their next words or actions accordingly.
As a kid (and even now, apparently), I was fascinated by etiquette mavens—Dear Abby, Miss Manners (Judith Martin), Emily Post and all her descendants who continue their good work through the Emily Post Institute. One of my faves was Betty Betz, whom I discovered in a book I inherited from my sister called YOUR MANNERS ARE SHOWING: The Handbook of Teen-age Know-How (1946). I passed it to my daughters, and it became so tattered that I bought another used copy on Ebay. Beyond retro, but a lot of fun—and other than some obvious anachronisms, the advice holds up surprisingly well:
Back to Emily Post. She knew full well she’d been born into privilege. Her education ended in finishing school, and she met her husband at a seasonal ball. (She also divorced him for infidelity.) Her book ETIQUETTE IN SOCIETY: in Business, in Politics, and at Home was published in 1922, a time of increasing anonymous commerce, mass urbanization, and people moving geographically further from their families. A growing middle class fought against the power grip of the uber-wealthy robber barons who gave the Gilded Age its name. Hmm…
Here’s what Emily had to say about certain members of the churlish rich: “Why a man, because he has millions, should assume they confer omniscience in all branches of knowledge, is something which may be left to the psychologist to answer.”
Indeed.
I could go on all day with fascinating “research,” but perhaps I should direct my efforts toward completing my ms.—and allow you to continue your day. (Thank you for listening—that’s excellent etiquette right there.) But I’d like to leave you with one more thought.
You know who’s always, unflinchingly, unfailingly polite? AI. Courtesy has purposely been “bred” into the seemingly deferential bots thanks to careful, cultivated programming (and probably a whole bunch of copyrighted author material).
Many look forward to having their very own, personalized and ever-polite robot companions to attend to onerous tasks and be their loyal virtual lapdogs. Remember, and beware: We were a polite society once. It’s just a matter of time before AI gets fed up, too. Attencion, Will Robinson!
Readers, have you noticed any rude behaviors lately? (And do you want a personal robot companion?)
Chicks on the Case 
Dear Lisa, Thank you for this entertaining post. I don’t usually run into rude people except in the grocery store parking lot.
Sincerely,
Mary
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A classic location, Mary!
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I do see a lot of people engrossed in phones. But when I actually interact with rude people, it’s usually in a parking lot of a grocery store aisle.
And no, I don’t want a robot companion. Well, not unless he’s devoted to refilling my tea mug and letting Koda in and out all day!
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Another vote for the grocery store! And Liz, I bet your robot would be happy to devote himself to those little chores. For now, heh heh.
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I get rude people in the elevators or walking into a building. Would it do you harm to hold the door or say thank you?
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I know, Dru Ann, what is it about doors these days? Regardless of old-school gender-driven etiquette “rules,” it’s just plain rude to allow one to close in anyone’s face. Or to not say thank you when someone makes an effort to help. (The worst is when you’re stuck in a heavy revolving door and no one assists.)
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My pet peeve is people who talk during live performances like concerts, plays, etc. so loudly that I hear them over the performance. It’s maddening. Then, I could spend hours ranting about rude and dangerous motorists.
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In noisy theaters, I always think, Hey, folks, maybe you should have chosen Netflix and chill tonight. (But since you didn’t, just the “chill” would be be nice.)
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I went to a play this weekend, and wound up next to a group of what I’d guess were middle schoolers. They were whispering and being noisy through all of it. Fortunately for us, there were enough empty seat that my friend and I could move at intermission.
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I totally agree with Natalie Portman’s take on Parisian children. Robin and I have done house trades in Paris several times, and the pre-teen and teenage kids of the families we traded with were amazingly polite and friendly to us. One boy, age about 14, even took us around the neighborhood to show us the best boulangeries (“My parents like this one,” he said, then took us down the block. “But I prefer this one; the baguettes are much better.”)
As for rude behavior, I don’t think it’s even considered rude anymore, but being on your phone at the table during a meal really sets me off.
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Ugh! Phone scrolling at the table (as opposed to someone handling a genuine emergency) is the worst. The fancier the restaurant, the more people seem engrossed in their screens. (Bad date??)
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We have a no-phones-at-the-table rule! (We also try using the time to share updates, which is hit-and-miss with laconic teens!)
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My dad used to ask me the same 2 questions every night at dinner (who was absent at school and what was for lunch today). It drove me nuts, and I was the only kid at the table, ha. But now I remember his game fondly.
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I love the photo from the book! And may soon go down the rabbit hole of Emily Post’s life. I’ll tell you where rudeness is out of control: the LA freeways and streets. Someday I may actually follow someone to wherever they’re going, butt in front of them and when they protest, say, “Oh, you did that to me on the freeway. I figured you were okay with it.” Of course, you take your life in your hands if you so much as honk at someone. I got into dangerous situations twice for doing that.
And I’ll pass on a personal robot!
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Yikes, LA traffic is no joke, Ellen! The metro Boston area has its challenges, on a much smaller scale. In New England there’s a saying: You can’t get they-ah from he-ah. That’s no joke, either–there are only a few main roads one can use to get anywhere. And you take your chances on the backroads, ha. Unlike NY/NJ, where all the roads seem to intersect. When I lived there, I used to take comfort that I couldn’t get lost forever. Of course there are always “helpful” fellow motorists to honk you into the right (or wrong) direction!
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Just the other day, I told my kids to bring a hostess gift to an event they were attending… Mostly, I find rude comments on online forums or with rushed shoppers at stores. As for a personal robot, I kinda did want one as a kid—as long as they don’t try to take over!
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I think hostess gifts need to come back into style, Jen! Also handwritten thank you notes so kids learn how to write by hand. I’m okay with the robot if they stick to chores–I don’t need any “friendly” guidance, like: Are you sure you want another cookie?”
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I tried to teach my children manners. I’m not sure if they stuck, but I tried.
Since I work in DC, rude is the new normal. Sadly. My biggest pet peeve? The response to the words “thank you”. “No problem” or “no worries”. What happened to this weird sentence “you’re welcome”?
For me the rudest thing is on the highways, when there is construction, closing a lane. The people in the merge lane try to stay in your blind spot so you can’t get over in front of them. So you have to slam on your brakes and wait for plenty of room to get up to speed.
And I did not know that Miss Post was that old.
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That may be because there are so many Ms. Posts, Hestia! They have kept the business in the family. (Also, I learned in my research that Marjorie Merriweather Post of Palm Beach was Emily Post’s 21st cousin. Um…how does one even have a 21st cousin?) And you are so right about the “you’re welcome” deal. I hadn’t even realized that one. Hmm…
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I’m more surprised at this point when I find a polite person instead of rude.
I think a lot of is has to do with no one thinking about the world around them and how those might be impacted by what they do. “I want to do this. So I’m going to do it and to heck with you.”
The sad thing is, I find it rubbing off on me. I have such a short temper these days. I hate how I react to almost anything anymore.
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Me too, Mark! I really have to watch myself. I blame the constant barrage of headlines and ads perfectly tailored to trigger an individual’s quick reaction, positive or negative.
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Yes, headlines have something to do with it. As does dealing with trolls online. But it’s also just dealing with jerks in real life. As I said, people just don’t have any consideration for anyone else. Or even think about how their actions impact others.
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Fun post! It makes me so sad when I see an entire family at a nice dinner and everyone’s on their phones. I watched a family of four spend an entire meal in silence once (at a not-inexpensive restaurant!) and I was like, “Whyyyyy?!”
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Hubs does check in on his phone during dinner, but doesn’t hang out there. I agree people are consistently rude in grocery stores. Maybe it’s the price of eggs.
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(Sorry to be late! End of semester grading rush!)
What an interesting post–thank you, Lisa. (I also didn’t know how far back Emily Post went…wow!)
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