Marla Cooper, Mysteries

Grammar Crimes of the Digital Age

It’s hard being a grammar geek in the digital age. When you’re online, it seems like the rules are more like… suggestions. Anyone who spends any amount of time on social media will run across all SORTS of crimes against the English language. And you know what? Some of them, I’m not even mad at. 

“I can’t even”? It’s an incomplete sentence, but I know exactly what you’re trying to say. “I’m shook”? All kinds of wrong, but I accept it. “Ope”? Not a word, and yet I low-key love it. It’s perfect for when you bump into a grocery display and need to apologize to it. Even Liz Lemon stole our hearts with the eminently quotable but grammatically questionable, “I want to go to there.” (My grammar check just lit up at that one!)

But then there are the others. The ones that make my eyelid twitch.

💕 Let’s kick this off with: “I loveeeeeee that!” Everyone knows that the “e” in “love” is silent. Likewise, we can all agree that a double “e” is pronounced as a long e, like nominee or banshee. So when I see “loveeeeee” instead of “loooooove” I can’t help but pronounce it in my head as the word “love” followed by a long “Eeeeeeee!” sound, like when you see a mouse. I loooooove when people stretch the right sound and I haaaaaate how often I run across the wrong version.  

🤣 Next up: LOLOLOLOLOL. I mean, I get it. Something’s really funny. But think about it: “Ha” means something’s mildly humorous. “Ha ha” means it’s funny, and if you say, “Ha ha ha,” you might actually be laughing. But LOLOLOLOL doesn’t work that way. You’re not laughing harder—you’re just saying “Laugh out loud out loud out loud” on repeat, like a robot trying to be relatable. Dude, just write the word “Dead” or send a skull emoji like the rest of us. 

🌴 I also can’t get behind “vaca” instead of “vacay” as short for “vacation.” In fact one of my BFFs just posted “Cats, books, and vaca — three of my favorite things.” Anyone who speaks even a little Spanish knows where I’m going with this: “Vaca” means “cow.” So my friend apparently loves cows. Yay! This summer, so many people are heading out for a little cow. Some people even go on a beach cow, which actually sounds kind of fun. I don’t know, I may be alone in this one, but I can’t unsee it. 

🤡 Okay, on a similar note, who greenlit “redic” as being short for “ridiculous”? It’s surprisingly common and yet so wrong, it actually makes “vaca” look good! If you think “ridic” looks weird, feel free not to shorten it. I mean honestly, it’s pretty — dare I say — ridic.

Don’t even get me started on “Woah.” 

Readers, what’s your favorite grammatical pet peeve? And please don’t say sentence fragments — because, if so, then… ope.

Marla Cooper is the author of the soon-to-be-relaunched Kelsey McKenna Destination Wedding Mysteries. Learn more at www.marlacooper.com.

35 thoughts on “Grammar Crimes of the Digital Age”

    1. Bro! I almost added “finna” to the naughty list, but my feelings about it wavered mid-post. My grandmother always said “fixing to” and I kind of like this elided version of it. I’m finna start using it myself!

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    1. Good for you! I have to admit, I’ve gone to things before that didn’t sound that fun because I didn’t want to miss out. Every once in a while, it pays off, but usually, it’s exactly what I thought it would be.

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  3. This is a tough one.

    I try to ignore grammar issues, because that’s how the world works today. Everything is texting.
    What I have a problem with is physical interactions with people. When I ask for help, I say thank you. The other person‘s response? No worries. Has the entire world forgotten the words you’re welcome? Ads like people don’t know how to socialize anymore. That’s what bothers me. And yes, my children are included in this group.
    Now that I know Vaca is cow in Spanish (fyi I was doing text to speech, and the microphone spelled the V word correctly!), I need to look up the word lazy in Spanish. And then say it to my husband, when I go visit him in the hospital tomorrow. It’s an inside joke, he called me lazy cow one day, and I’ve never forgiven him. 😂

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    1. “No worries” is a weird response! It’s almost like you’ve apologized instead of thanked them. I couldn’t resist using google translate and am happy to offer you the phrase “vaca perezosa” for your husband-heckling use.

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  4. I do cringe at some sayings, and all misspellings. But I know my language has evolved to get where it is and it’ll keep evolving. The one that really bugs me is when Americans use “grey” instead of “gray.” I don’t know why, but I have chosen that hill to die on. Upon which to die. (It would be fine with me if we would adopt British punctuation. It makes much more sense.)

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    1. Absolutely! I actually enjoy the flexibility and creativity. And I have to confess: I am one of those weirdos who say “grey”!! I know, I know, my husband makes fun of me all the time. I must have read a book by a British author at just the right point in my development to lock that in. I don’t say “colour” or call my car’s trunk a “boot.” It’s just the G word that trips me up. I will think of you now every time I correct it in my writing. 🙂

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    2. I’ve always written grey. I don’t know why. Apparently there are several British spellings I use instead of the American version. I have no clue why!

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  5. I’ so old that I’ve not even heard of many of these examples you provide. (Ope?) And I’ve thankfully never seen any instance of “loveeeeee.”

    Another old person rant here: I really despise the usage “vacay.” And don’t even get me started on “Cali.” NO ONE who grew up in the state (at least from my generation) would EVER call it that. It’s almost as bad as saying “Frisco.” Oy.

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    1. Cali? Seriously? That’s nuts.

      There’s only two states I know of that have a short cut. And that’s because people who grew up there use it. It’s an east coast thing.

      PA for Pennsylvania

      Jersey for New Jersey.

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    2. Yeah, Cali and Frisco sound like two golden retrievers, not beautiful places to live. Verbally, “Ope” is kind of a cross between, “Oh!” and “Ooops” and is a cousin (at least in my mind) of “Welp!” I have only seen it written recently, but I recognized it as something I mutter under my breath sometimes. It *miiiight* be Midwestern? My husband’s sister from St. Louis says it a lot!

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  6. Marla, I say “I can’t even” quite frequently. Yes, I know it’s wrong. But it’s so expressive.

    I only use “vacay” when I’m typing fast. Otherwise, I say the whole word. But never “vaca.” I laughed at that one.

    I’ll one up Jen: my 23-year-old son calls me “bruh.” Excuse me, male progeny of mine. One, that’s not a word and two, I’m a woman so how can I be a “bruh”?

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    1. Bruh?! Yeah, that’s … yeah. I agree about “I can’t even.” Not a complete sentence, but a complete thought. I always wonder how phrases like that take hold. Like who was the first person who ever said it and how did they get it to stick?!

      Thanks for backing me up on “vaca”! [insert laughing emoji here]

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  7. Marla, good heavens! Your post made me laugh out loud. Love it! I recognize myself in several of your examples. Have you ever seen the poster (paraphrasing), “I’m correcting your grammar in my head.”? Ha! One of the things that troubles me in this digital communication age is the lack of punctuation. Where does that sentence end and where does the next one start? When can I take a breath? There’s another great poster that I love (paraphrasing), “Example one: ‘Let’s eat, Grandma.’ Example two: ‘Let’s eat Grandma.’ Punctuation saves lives.” Ha!

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    1. Yay! I knew my fellow word nerds and grammar geeks would get it. I’ve seen that poster you paraphrased … or at least in meme form. Something like “Silently judging your grammar”? I need that on a tee shirt! 

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  8. Here’s one that drives me bat-poop-crazy: “Blonde” used before “hair” if the person is female. Nonononono. “Blonde” is the actual female person who has blond hair. (Um…and not a male person, I guess?) I might add that “the blonde” rarely carries a positive or even neutral connotation. Ask me why I care.

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    1. It comes from the French, because adding the E makes it feminine. And in French, if you put the definite article in front of an adjective, it becomes a noun. Hence, “la blonde” means a blond woman and “le blond” means a blond man.

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  11. Sorry I’m late!! What a fun post, M. 😍

    I have to admit that I love “I can’t even.” 

    Like it’s just SO MUCH that we can’t even finish saying the rest of a phrase…

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