Lisa here, peeking around the door of my office—aka Writer’s Jail. I’m trying hard not to panic with a looming publisher deadline and the launch of THE JIG IS UP next week. Hope you’ll enjoy this encore presentation post–because, hey, these inspirational comments for mystery writers never get old!
Yesterday I saw an S.M.S. (Save My Sanity) tweet from a mystery author I’ve never met. Let’s call her Angie. She was manning her table at a book festival when a passerby noted her banner and estimated the likely number of readers for Angie’s sub-genre: 3. That could have ruined Angie’s day, if she hadn’t sold a bunch of books—and figured out a crucial element for her next mystery at the same time.
Most people have no clue they’ve touched on a writer’s last nerve (or at least deflated an ego). They don’t understand the crazy business of writing and publishing. Hey, who does? And sure, some authors might be a teensy bit sensitive sometimes. But mystery writers actually welcome this type of helpful input.
You never hear about mystery, thriller, and suspense novelists taking revenge on their muses in real life. Well, rarely. But they really do appreciate any inspiration you can give them for their characters and plots. Maybe you’d even like to appear in someone’s next book, but you don’t have the inclination to enter contests or bid at a charity auction for naming rights. Well, you’re in luck. Here’s a baker’s dozen list of handy-dandy things you can say to get a mystery writer’s attention—and appear in one of their books for FREE!
#13: Have I ever heard of you? I don’t think I’ve seen you on any bestseller lists.
#12: You’re kidding, your book’s not done yet? You’ve been working on that thing forever.
#11: A mystery writer, huh? So you’re like Kathy Bates in Misery. (Answer: Yes, but she didn’t play the writer character.)
#10: Wow, I saw online that your book is $2.99 already. Too bad your publisher had to put it on fire sale so soon.
#9: Oh, you’re an ebook author? I only read print books. You know, real ones.
#8: (Same commenter as #9): I need to get rid of all my books at home. I can’t stand clutter.
#7: (Sipping a 7-buck latte): I never buy books. They’re so expensive. I save my money for important things.
#6: (Strangers on planes): Hey, can you sign one of your books and send it to me?
#5: (To kids’ book and YA authors): When do you get to graduate? You know, write grown-up books?
#4: That must be fun, getting to write. Wish I could do that, too, but I have an actual J.O.B.
#3: So how much money do you get? I bet Stephen King makes tons. But you’re not Stephen King, ha ha.
#2: That’s funny, you don’t look like your author photo. When was it taken? (Answer: 6 months ago.)
And the #1 Most Helpful Comment to Inspire a Mystery Author and Guarantee Your Appearance as a Character in Her Book (*drum roll*):
#1: Eww. How can you write about murder? (Answer: Very easily, heh heh).
Readers and writers, what’s the most negative (er, helpful) piece of advice–or inspiration–you’ve ever received? Have you ever appeared (to your knowledge) in a book?
Chicks on the Case 
Spot on, Lisa! If readers only knew, and thanks for a fun reminder of how hard it is to write a book readers will love.
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Thanks, Grant–all in fun, but if only I were making these questions up, lol. My own dad once looked at the price on the cover of one of my books and said, “Huh. Same as a greeting card.”
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I remember my older kiddo telling me back in the day that they would call me a real author when I sold 5,000 books. I thought, “thanks for the support, I guess?” LOL
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And now they call you, “Sir Author,” I bet!
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Well, when they want money, they do. 🙂
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Ha ha ha. Loved these, especially #1.
Only 8 days to go. B&N should be alerting me soon. Looking forward to it!
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Thanks, Mary!!!
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hestia here.
This is gold. It needs to be printed and glued to every author’s desk.
I get #12 all the time.
And #4 I hear a lot, both for me (I do have 2 real J.O.B.s one is in accounting and one is writing books to try to publish) and successfully published authors with series!
but you forgot one.
#14 It’s not that hard to write a book. I could write a book. I will write one when I retire.
that first sentence guarantees the commenter to be in your next book.
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I used to get that re: sitcoms ALL the time. I remember a guy my friend was dating totally disparaged sitcoms and then wrote a spec, assuming it would be brilliant. She asked me to give him feedback – I did, plenty of notes even though the thing was unsalvageable – and he was insulted! Luckily, they broke up.
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Ha, we will add that one to the list, Hestia! It’s perfect.
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Thanks for this, Lisa. And good luck meeting your deadlines… I bet you’ve been working on that thing forever, (#12) heh?
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I had to pop in and give this an LOL!
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Well, it sure feels like it! Just kidding. I’m having fun. Really.
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All true – and funny – thoughts, Lisa!
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“Ooooo…. you’re a writer? I’ve got a great plot for you!” [Corners you at a cocktail party and proceeds to spend a half hour telling you a sci-fi/romance/mystery idea loosely based on “The Catcher in the Rye.”]
But wait–that actually sounds like it might be a good idea….
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^ I’ve gotten the above several times, amended with: “And don’t worry, we can split the profits after you write it!”
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Lol, Jen!
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Another great one for the list! But I dunno, that Catcher in the Rye deal…
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Thanks for this hilarious but oh-so-true list, Lisa! Pre-pub, I used to get a lot of #12, and then when I got published, #13. Sometimes I get a variation of: “Mystery/genre fiction? I only read serious literature.”
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Just heard that one the other day at a library event, Jen!
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My favorite is loosely related to #13: “Oh, you’re a writer? Have you written anything I’ve heard of?”
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Yes, what is the answer to that? Awkward either way.
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I never buy coffee. I save my money for books. 🙂 (Also, I don’t like how coffee tastes. But that’s beside the point.)
I have appeared in several books. Did make donations for a couple of them, but the authors were just putting me in for fun. A couple I didn’t know about until I was reading them, which was even more fun.
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I’m sure we can work a Mark O’Baker into this ms., lol!
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Oh, if I had a nickel!
I’ve heard variations on “not that hard,” “only serious literature,” and “have I heard of you?”, but my favorite is my dad’s. He “encouraged” me by saying that my book was “actually pretty good.” Haha!!
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And he was so right!
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Aw, thanks, Lisa!
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Great post! I’m an aspiring writing and I love to go to book talks at bookstores and support local mystery and horror writers. It would never occur to me to say anything of these things when I meet a writer (especially #7) because I’m so in awe that anyone has the patience and grit to sit and compose a whole world and story out of thin air day after day until completion and then actually spend time revising and editing (let alone write query letters and face possible rejection). Writers are magical unicorns to me and I hope my little horse self becomes one someday!
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