Guest Post, Mysteries, Thrillers

Guest Chick: Barbara Nickless

Happy Wednesday, my friends! Patricia here, and I’m grinning from ear-to-ear. I’m excited to be hosting my first-ever Guest Chick. Barbara Nickless is a bestselling and award-winning author of thrillers novels. She’s joining us to explore the concept of “failing” with grace. Barbara, thank you so much for visiting with us. Take it away!

I was a few minutes late meeting my cousin at a restaurant in a nearby town. When I learned that she hadn’t yet arrived, I shot the hostess a relieved smile and a wink. “When she gets here, don’t tell her I was late,” I said.

As I sat alone at the table, waiting for my truant cousin while the minutes ticked by, I realized the error was mine. I wasn’t five minutes late. I was twenty-five minutes early.

This is happening a lot. I forget to return phone calls. I leave the key in the mailbox. More often than I like to admit, I bolt upright in the middle of the night because I missed an appointment.

I have a handy excuse: I’m coming down with a novel. With my brain full of characters, plot ideas, twists, and scene setting, my processing powers can get overwhelmed. Over the years, my family has gotten used to this. They nod knowingly when I serve spaghetti sauce without the noodles, leave groceries in the car, or surprise them with Christmas in July when I find a gift I barely remember buying.

 

But if I’m honest, this “novel” excuse will only take me so far. I have to look at other causes: my age, the fact that my current busyness is too much for one person, and the fallout from the emotional roller coaster of trying to help a troubled family member.

What’s to be done? I can’t give up my job (nor would I want to). Nor the family member (nor would I want to). The age issue is only going to get worse. I recognize there are a few things I can let go of (dusting and newsfeeds come to mind) or outsource (get take-out for dinner sometimes). I’m working on paring down my obligations and to-do list. But I struggle to accept that I can’t do it all.

Does anyone remember the 1980 Enjoli perfume commercial where the woman says she can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man? If you haven’t seen it, check it out on YouTube. Women were expected to excel from the boardroom to the baby to the bedroom. And to look and smell fabulous while doing so. That’s the idiocy a generation of women (and men!) were raised on.

While I work to simplify my life, there is one thing I can do amid the current craziness: be kind to myself. Realize that I’m doing my best, and that working harder or faster to keep up with life will only cause more things to fall off my plate.

Thus, I’ve resolved to fail with grace.

If we’re acting from what the Buddhists call “right intent,” that’s as much as we can ask of ourselves. Yes, we can employ techniques for whatever so-called failures we struggle with. There are digital calendars and reminders and productivity apps. We can put DoorDash on speed dial and learn to say no. Tools, coupled with a willingness to shed the non-essentials, can help eliminate a lot of the mistakes that make us feel like failures in our own eyes. But self-forgiveness is something we can use anytime—and we don’t need an app.

As you juggle your life and responsibilities, I hope you stop, take a breath, look for ways to ease the load, and remember to “fail” with grace.

What do you do when you’re overwhelmed by your to-do list?

Barbara Nickless is the Wall Street Journal and No. 1 Amazon Charts bestselling author of two award-winning crime series. Her first series has been optioned for television. She is a member of the Mystery Writers of America, Sisters in Crime, the FBI Citizens Academy Alumni Association, the World Affairs Counselor and the Association of Former Intelligence Officers.

A former fencer and falconer, Barbara lives in Colorado where she loves to hike, cave, snowshoe, and drink single malt Scotch. Not at the same time. Her most recent research travel involved taking cover from rocket fire and being grilled at military checkpoints. Her latest novel—The Drowning Game—is a spy thriller. It dropped Jan. 1, 2025.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/barbarannickless

Substack: barbaranickless.substack.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/barbara.nickless

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/barbara-nickless-81674a50

 

53 thoughts on “Guest Chick: Barbara Nickless”

  1. Barbara,
    Thank you for dropping by, and for writing this post. It rings true with me, now and forever. I am a Type A personality, and all the chicks know I am going through struggles right now with a family member as well. It is so overwhelming.
    Yes, I remember that commercial! I didn’t remember it was a perfume, but I sure do remember all the women popping on the screen as they added tasks to the jingle. “I’m a woman!”
    What do I do when I’m drowning (see what I did there 😆)? I don’t really know, because I don’t want to admit it. I think I scream and cry? I need to learn to say no, really hard as a Type A.
    But my favorite thing to do when I’m in over my head is to create something on paper.
    Make up a poem or song about something silly (I wrote a parody on Twas the Night Before Christmas focusing on the US tax audit, and changed the words to the Redskins fight song when they were going to change the name. Shoot, all they had to do was change the mascot to a red skinned potato and the name would have been fine).
    Create maps on Canva about my stories (and I’m having fun sketching crime scenes on my Remarkable Pro).
    I jot down ideas of stories I will never write. But maybe someday I will.
    It won’t get my to do list done, but I feel better.
    I need to get your story. I love a good spy thriller!

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    1. Hestia, you are amazing! I love that you create art on paper when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I think that’s brilliant! It took me years to learn to say no. I still struggle with it sometimes. And it’s taking me years to not feel guilty about saying no. Ha!

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    2. What a heartfelt response, Hestia. Thank you! I know very well how hard it is for Type A person to say no. We keep thinking that–somehow–we’ll manage to do it all. I love how you handle overwhelm by writing and drawing. I teach creative writing to veterans because the science shows that the arts help us heal from trauma (and anxiety, overwhelm, stress, etc.) On a side note, I’ll have to learn to use Canva to create maps. I have a love affair with maps of all kinds.

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  2. I love the concept of “failing with grace.” If the appointment doesn’t exist in my phone calendar, it doesn’t exist. I have an extensive “travel checklist” because of all the things I’ve forgotten over the years. It helps, but as you said – it’s not perfect.

    More and more, I can look at those moments and say, “Did anyone die? No? Okay. Let me make my apologies as necessary and let’s move on.”

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    2. Oh, Liz, I feel your appointment pain. For some reason, a blank space on my calendar doesn’t seem to convince doctors’ receptionists that they’re wrong. 🙂 And that travel checklist is ever growing. I finally set up a very large bag of travel necessities, and I start every trip by going through what’s in that bag.

      I love your approach: “Did someone die?” Make your apologies and move on.

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  3. I think the phrase “I’m coming down with a novel” is the best one I’ve heard in ages–ha! And so true!

    Thanks for the beautiful piece today, Barbara, and the reminder that we all need to go a little easy on ourselves.

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  4. Barbara, I love this! For years I did a form of improv called Theatresports. The format was designed to allow you to risk failure: if a sketch didn’t work, judges mercifully gave it zeros so it could end, and you could go on to improvise a better story.

    And “coming down with a novel” is awesome! I’m going to add a new phrase. When we’re writing a draft, we have WIPS. Work in Progress Syndrome!

    Also – congrats to Patricia for a fab job of hosting her first guest!

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      1. A lot of improv ends up being “barprov” where the actors are going for jokes and not story and blocking each other to get the best “gag” for themselves. Then there’s the kind of improv where there’s already a story structure they feel compelled to stick to. One of the worst improv shows I ever went to was at Second City when they had one here in L.A. There was a sketch which had a built-in beginning and ending. The actors got lost in the middle and just riffed and joked until they got to the end. And these were pros, including Richard Kind and Bonnie Hunt.

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    2. I love WIPS! May I use it as well? So interesting about improv and risking failure. I wish the muse would hold up some zeroes when I head off down the wrong path in the middle of my ms while I’m suffering from WIPS. Then I could improvise a better path.

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    3. Ellen, have I told you today how much I love you? Thank you so much for your encouragement. xoxoxo And I LOVE WIPS! Ha!!! Two T-shirts, one for “I’m coming down with a novel” and one for “WIPS.” Ha!

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  5. Barbara, thanks so much for this important post! I think we all need to be kinder to ourselves.

    I’m certainly trying to be more gracious to myself during my current health recovery process.

    Anyway, off to track down that perfume commercial!

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    2. When you’re dealing with health issues, being kind to yourself is the second most important thing. First is taking care of yourself (sometimes those feel contradictory, yes?) I hope your health issues aren’t long term and you’re soon feeling better.

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  6. This is a great reminder… and that Enjoli ad! I remember teenage me thinking that was the goal! Bringing home the bacon AND frying it up in a pan. Now, my motto is, “We’re all just doing the best we can.”

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    1. I think there was something about never letting him forget he’s a man, too, ha (rhymed with pan, so guess they had to add that).

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      1. Yep! “I can bring home the bacon” [dah DAH dah DAAH] … “fry it up in a pan… and never never never never let you forget you’re a man. ‘Cause I’m a woooo-man… Enjoli.” Fun fact: that was based on a Peggy Lee song! “Cause I’m a woman — W-O-M-A-N. I’ll say it again.” Help! I’ve got ear worms!

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  7. Barbara, huge congrats on The Drowning Game! And I’m in awe of all your accomplishments–no wonder you can’t possibly get to everything on your to-do list! When I’m overwhelmed by mine, I create a new list and delete all the completed ones so I can feel better. (Sometimes I add a task I finished but never added to the list.) Lately when I’m discouraged by my lack of progress (or reading the news) I’ve started jumping up and dancing around my kitchen (if my husband isn’t home) to my “Happy”playlist. (There is a lot of the Go-Gos on it.) On a recent Zoom meeting for a volunteer org, I could tell no one was willing to accept my “no” on a truly onerous task. They kept staring silently at me, waiting, as I flailed around. Finally I said, “Hey guys, this is me politely and respectfully–but firmly–saying no, thank you, OK?”) It worked!

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    2. Thanks for the congrats, Lisa. Much appreciated. I do seem to take on more than I should. I love your idea to create a “Happy” playlist. And, even more, I love that you learned the power of NO.

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  9. Congratulations on your latest book, Barbara! I’ve always been a big To-Do List person, both at home and at the day job. As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve stopped sweating getting a lot of the things on the home To-Do List complete as scheduled. I’m currently two weeks behind schedule for trimming the hedges. In the past, that would drive me crazy. Now? It’ll get done sometime.

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  10. I tend to bury my head in the sand, figuratively, of course. It doesn’t help the to do list get done. If it’s not pressing, it does make me feel better. But it can definitely make me feel worse if I didn’t have the time to chill for a bit.

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