Well, tax day has arrived. Following protocol, I already blared the song “Taxman” as loud as possible. Now letting go of that for another year and turning our attention gently toward other topics to ponder…
Dear Restaurants: Could we please have more names that are direct and fewer that string together what seems like an excessive number of words? For example, “toast and jam” versus “designer-milled whole-grain slabs served with grilled pear and mango suspension, speckled with freshly harvested walnuts in hand-crafted baroque caramel lace, and dotted with gently tossed, individually curated mint leaves that have been marinating for weeks in snowflake sauce and unicorn glitter.”
Dear Sneaker Manufacturers: Could we please have more agreement on size charts and fewer individualized numbering systems? Because I’ve got three pair of shoes right now, all marked 8.5, that would fit a baby, a circus clown, and a sasquatch, respectively. None of them fit my son, though.
Dear Handbag Designers: Could we please have more chic, affordable, and lightweight options and fewer Whoever Designed This Much-Too-Expensive Bag Didn’t Actually Try It On With Anything Placed Inside Because Seriously All I Have Is My Wallet And Phone But It Feels Like I’m Lugging Boulders Around And The Strap Is Slicing Into My Shoulder While My Back Is On Fire, Plus Every Interior Pocket Has A Tiny Unfathomable Shape That Holds Nothing Any Human Owns And There Is No Pocket Along The Back, Which Is The Most Important Pocket And Should Be Required By Law ones?
Dear Watchmakers: Could we please have more watches with light backgrounds and dark visible hands and fewer shiny pearly numberless faces with barely glinting markers that require tilting the watch here, there, and everywhere in various slants of light, in order to check the time? Because I just want to surreptitiously glance sometimes. Not embark on a carpal-tunnel-inducing odyssey of awkward wrist poses.
What would you like more of, dear readers?