Well, tax day has arrived. Following protocol, I already blared the song “Taxman” as loud as possible. Now letting go of that for another year and turning our attention gently toward other topics to ponder…
Dear Restaurants: Could we please have more names that are direct and fewer that string together what seems like an excessive number of words? For example, “toast and jam” versus “designer-milled whole-grain slabs served with grilled pear and mango suspension, speckled with freshly harvested walnuts in hand-crafted baroque caramel lace, and dotted with gently tossed, individually curated mint leaves that have been marinating for weeks in snowflake sauce and unicorn glitter.”
Dear Sneaker Manufacturers: Could we please have more agreement on size charts and fewer individualized numbering systems? Because I’ve got three pair of shoes right now, all marked 8.5, that would fit a baby, a circus clown, and a sasquatch, respectively. None of them fit my son, though.
Dear Handbag Designers: Could we please have more chic, affordable, and lightweight options and fewer Whoever Designed This Much-Too-Expensive Bag Didn’t Actually Try It On With Anything Placed Inside Because Seriously All I Have Is My Wallet And Phone But It Feels Like I’m Lugging Boulders Around And The Strap Is Slicing Into My Shoulder While My Back Is On Fire, Plus Every Interior Pocket Has A Tiny Unfathomable Shape That Holds Nothing Any Human Owns And There Is No Pocket Along The Back, Which Is The Most Important Pocket And Should Be Required By Law ones?
Dear Watchmakers: Could we please have more watches with light backgrounds and dark visible hands and fewer shiny pearly numberless faces with barely glinting markers that require tilting the watch here, there, and everywhere in various slants of light, in order to check the time? Because I just want to surreptitiously glance sometimes. Not embark on a carpal-tunnel-inducing odyssey of awkward wrist poses.
What would you like more of, dear readers?
I’m with you on the shoes! And the same with women’s clothing sizes. And to every company who ever made something I once liked then could never find again, I’d like to see more discontinued items brought back.
Oh, Marla, I have a discontinued-item wishlist too! (Please please please, universe, let me be reunited with Roots platform sandals again someday…aka The Perfect Shoes.) And you’re so right–clothing sizes in general too. It’s like the manufacturers just go, well, this *feels* like a medium, so yeah, we’re good.
Caffe Latte lipstick. Just sayin,’ Estee Lauder.
Dear Movie Producers,
Could we please have more ORIGINALITY and CLASS in the creative department PLEASE, or hire TALENT scouts to read the hottest BOOK series out there for contracts?
Sequels are bad enough because VERY SELDOM is it 50% as good as the original (a.k.a. Ghostbusters II was horrible, NL Vegas Vacation was okay). A remake is usually BAD unless the original is so old no one remembers it (a.k.a. Sabrina was boring, Oceans Eleven was acceptable). But when you create a movie that that twists the premise of our favorite 70s and 80s television shows and MAKES FUN of them, you should be FIRING all the writers (a.k.a. Starsky and Hutch, CHIPS)!
Sincerely yours,
A movie critic in the making that can so destroy you
Ha ha! A movie critic in the making indeed! I didn’t see CHIPS–was wondering how that was…
Meh. Funny but over the top humor. Director wanted to do stuff people were afraid to Fido. Got that right
I’m with you on all of these!! My addition: clear instructions, whether it’s for a math problem or how to set up a new phone. I also wouldn’t mind wider grocery aisles (the cart traffic jams drive me mad!).
YES. Instructions, please, everyone! Would be so helpful. (Math, lol.) Excellent point about cart traffic jams too. Sometimes I wonder if people who build/make things actually try them out. Sigh.
None are coming to mind for me today, but these are great!
🙂 Thank you, Mark! And if one comes to mind later, you know I can’t wait to hear it.
More Cowbell!
Ha! That took me back, Etta!
That made me laugh out loud. (“I’ve got a fever…and the only prescription is…more cowbell.”)
These are great. Here’s mine: Dear website designers and newsletter creaters, could you please stop putting text on a dark background so the only way I can read it is by selecting the text to see what it says. Sometimes, I just give up and don’t bother.
Ooh, Sybil, that is a fantastic one. YES. I never even thought of highlighting the text…thank you for that tip.
Agreed, Sybil. Mine would be, Dear Apple: would you please stop sending me constant updates that eat up a s–ton of storage on my phone but don’t seem to make any discernable improvements?
Oh, and GREAT post, C! I agree with everything you listed, too.
Oh wow, yes! (And it’s tease-y. We just did an update this week, and one son thought he was getting all the cool stuff that was listed on there until other son informed him that those were only available on newer phones…so there was much sadness.) And ty, El!
First, I agree with you completely. Where is this ridiculous toast you mentioned? I want to write them a flaming letter of dis approval. Also, do they have gluten free? You know in case my gluten-free hipster friends ask me.
And could we please change the official height and weight chart? If I lost 100% of my fat, 50% of my muscles, and 20% of my skeleton I would still not be 110 lb just because I’m 5’1
Tee hee > “ridiculous toast.” I would hope they have gluten free…if not, they need to get with the program! And so much yes re: the height and weight chart. While we are on doctor stuff, why are vision measurements so weird–do we really need more fractions to deal with in our lives?
We have a small restaurant chain here called The Friendly Toast. Maybe it should be The Ridiculous Toast. I like that better.
I agree, Lisa!
I just about spit out my coffee reading that menu example, because it’s SO TRUE! Ha! I predict the “toast and jam” descriptive style will be the next fad, as these things always go in cycles. And yes about the sizes–SO annoying!
Great post, Cynthia!
Ha ha! Let’s start a movement! #toastandjamstyle
I’m with you!! My sister loves watches but refuses to buy anything other than what she calls Boomer Watches. That is, watches suitable for the Baby Boomer generation: big dial, real numbers big enough to read without glasses, hands that are noticeably different in length, and with high contract between the background and the (big real) numbers and (distinctively different) hands. I mean, really, isn’t it mostly Boomers who use watches these days anyway?? Loved your post, Cynthia! Can’t wait for the new book to be in my hands! 🙂
Hi Kate: You had me at “big enough to read without glasses”! Boomer Watches are going on my shopping list, stat. They sound perfect.
And thank you so much re: the book. I was JUST wondering this weekend when the next Penningtons book will be out–can’t wait!
I have 2 Nancy Drew watches and I can’t read the time on either of them for anything. They’re just for show.
Yes, this. “There Is No Pocket Along The Back, Which Is The Most Important Pocket And Should Be Required By Law.” Great post, Cynthia!
For me, that is always the pocket of no return where lip gloss, flash drives, and little Advil packets go to die. I never see them again.
That’s funny, Lisa! That pocket is where I keep business cards, airport parking tickets, and emergency cash — all the most important stuff. 🙂
Since I’m in the market, I’d like a wall clock that I can actually use to, you know, tell time instead of something very pretty and fanciful and completely impossible to use.
Those cat wall clocks!!!!
Hey! I have a kit kat clock!
At least you could read them!
YES! In the market for one too and keep finding myself drawn to those with flowers on the face…until I realize I can’t see the time at all. Sigh. Good luck finding something perfect.
Such a fun post, Cynthia! I would like more pink typewriters like the one in your featured image.(I also really loved the “baroque” caramel lace. Please bring some for our coffee at Malice.
Will do! Ooh, Malice coffee, yay! Can’t wait.
I’d like pockets for skirts, dresses and slacks.
Agree!!!
I’m with Mary C. I hate to buy a new pair of slacks and find it has *no* pockets or even worse, small unusable pockets. How does one exist in this world without meds for the day in the left pocket and cell phone in the right? Just patting the pocket makes me feel secure for the day. It’s bad when the phone hides in the house and I have to play ‘hide n seek’ with it…so into the pocket!
Absolutely. More pockets for everyone! (What are those small, unusable pockets even for? Gum?)
Chiming in late to ask about pump-top lotion with the straw two inches from the bottom of the bottle? And comfy sneakers, but only in garish colors? And cup holders too small for my box of wine? ‘Sup with all that??
Yes to ALL of those! Righteous indignation all around.